Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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