he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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