I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Never let your siblings swipe right.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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