Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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