my phone needs a breathalizer
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
