currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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