My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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