my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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