i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
