The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
