So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
