I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
