3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I want a musical about memes.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
