I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
