and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
