someone threw a dead crab at me
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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