Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
