a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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