he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
