Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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