i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
