Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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