She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
