I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
