Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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