Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
