I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
