I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
