she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
