I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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