Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
