Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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