There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
