I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
