I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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