i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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