i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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