Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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