I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
