I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
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Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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