found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
