So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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