woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
