I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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