I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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