I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
