I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
