dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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