This dress was meant to end up on your floor
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
