Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
