When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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