I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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