Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
