Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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