i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
