May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
