after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
