just come out here and I will go home with you...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
