Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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