my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize